We are going further with the thought that the Great Sea of Binah has such peculiar manifestations that could be compared with light being dispersed into the spectrum of colors passing through the prism. It has its aspects just as the Angel has its own; every act is equally Angel’s relationship with our soul, and every event is actually a form of the same Knowledge and Conversation that the Universe imparts to our soul – the one which responds so lovingly observing that Knowledge and Conversation and thus creating that Universe in which one is able to Know and able to Converse. Just as the Angel needs the elements, so does the Abyss need some of the mechanisms to turn them to its own use in precisely the same way; that remarkable, quiet place where, from the very beginning, paradoxes and nebulosity establish their influence along our path.
And just as the Knowledge and Conversation is merely a projection of the experience of Selfhood, in the same way, the Silence is a manifestation of the Abyss. However, both of them are entirely futile attempts by the living being to describe events that are none of those themselves. Moreover, we really do not attribute to those phenomena anything more than their loveliness of existence, they comprise no mystical and magical components in themselves, and if we had to give them a specific epithet, it would first be a notion from the fields of psychology, biology, psychotherapy, and chemistry. There is nothing worse than presenting the simplicity of the Universe to a black magician, which is an entirely illogical and chaotic sequence of circumstances, conditioned by the psychological, neural, and biological connections between cells and tissues, bloodstream, and atoms. He is the one who persists in his ill-begotten wishes to call lucid dreaming an astral projection and make the most natural state of consciousness such as the Knowledge with and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel confusing and inconceivable attainment. He will do anything to mystify and introduce vague notions of something as evident as enlightenment to himself; he will falsely try to paint the colorless light of LVX out of his inability to accept that pure light is more magnificent than any colored. He will do everything to do nothing. There are several aspects of this place that deserve to be addressed in our work. This is the idea of Kundry, that is, the Vampire, as well as the idea of the Great Mother; each pointing in their way to a particular action that seems to be coming from the same direction – Binah.
The former rests so conveniently on the Master Therion’s observation that: “I believe then, and believe now, that the Probationer of A∴A∴ is nearly always offered the opportunity to betray the Order, just as the Neophyte is nearly always tempted by a woman.” In that way, it is more than brilliantly presented by the legend of Calypso and Odysseus.
Calypso was a daughter of the Titan god Atlas and Tethys, her mother. She was one of Oceanides sea nymphs, while her name is associated with the Greek word καλύπτω, which means “to conceal” as she controls the forces that divert men from their paths. Calypso lived on the island Ogygia, where she welcomed tired Odysseus, who had been drifting for nine days in the open sea after losing his ship when coming back from Troy. Calypso fell in love with Odysseus, but Odysseus did not accept her kindness – he was looking tenaciously at Ithaca and his wife, hoping with desire and with a strong heart to meet her again. Calypso loved him so much that she put everything into turning him to her, which she eventually managed to accomplish over time, living with Odysseus in harmony and happiness for seven years. According to some sources, Calypso gave birth to two of their children: Nausithous and Nausinous.
This fantastic romance would have continued if Athens had not interfered, asking Zeus to return Odysseus to his home. Zeus eventually did that; with Hermes’ help, he persuaded Calypso to release Odysseus, which she reluctantly did. In the end, she helped Odysseus go home, helping him build a boat and summoned fair winds and sea currents. Finally, Odysseus arrived at his household. Nevertheless, we cannot help but wonder if Odysseus would have stayed with the nymph had the supreme God not intervened? Was Odysseus really enchanted, or was he with Callipso by his Will altogether. Was Calypso at all a detour from his path of destiny, or was she part of that same path?
This whole set is an essential piece of guidelines on our direction; it seems that the Aspirant’s trajectory is already seriously threatening to leave under the auspices of the Earth. He is so confident in his journey, ending the ordeal and proclaiming himself “fit” after his one year of Probation. Having passed that period, the dreadful Great Mother had already bestowed significant threats and reprimands for her child, but now, it is time for her to make such a horrendous retaliation upon his soul for the first time, where he least expected it – his sexual energy. With a cunning trick, she will try to make the Aspirant leave the path of light, deploying her vicious debt collector – the Vampire.
What really is this dreadful being, and what is its nature? This, of course, requires such an elaborate presentation before we get into any gullible superstitions. Let us present the model with a very appropriate occurrence: the Aspirant has undergone the Ritual of the Pyramid, he feels empowered and guided by divine providence, he is separated from the Probation by one-year work full of devotion, he started the practice of writing a diary as part of his life, he entered the Neophyte sphere vigorous and fresh, and by taking on a new motto, he was given a new and quite special destiny. In front of him are new practices and trials of Rising on the Planes – every day being a bath in light. However, then, one pleasant day, or even one more enjoyable night, during a walking break after meditating, he accidentally bumps into his high-school love – the one he has never forgotten and has always been dreaming of, beautiful and stunning. This might as well be the last enjoyable record in his diary because immediately after that, there are hellish periods of emotional torture, erotic bacchanalia, crying, and sleepless nights. His diary becomes completely neglected with the self-assurance that as soon as tomorrow, he will make up for an increasing number of diary records he has been writing down on pieces of paper instead of a diary. A complete haze in a magician’s consciousness is about to follow; days, weeks, and months of unconscious subsistence go by. Intoxication with all kinds of substances and all kinds of people often goes hand in hand with this phenomenon. Weeks pass like days, while days themselves are filled with endless emotional outbursts, or quite contrary – with complete ambivalence to everything. Once the Aspirant has finally woken up, he could find himself feeling that he has fallen lower than the worst day of his Probation and that it is quite impossible to move on. Yet, both of these claims are equally insane and unrealistic. This is just one of the mechanisms of Binah striking upon the Aspirant; there is an endless number of variants, while the goal is always one – halting the enthusiasm that has flowed so fruitfully through the Aspirant’s being, and the main culprit would almost always be the person who has come straight from hell.
It is quite a handy description of the Vampire having entered the life of an Aspirant without asking, striking every healthy leg, striking upon all that is healthy and reasonable, until he has left the Aspirant dry and unwilling to advance further. And so, the Aspirant keeps wondering if Binah may have so wonderfully constructed all this, and in such a perfect way? Is it possible for him to think that this sphere is so powerful in creating such a compelling projection while playing with the fate of humans as with paper figures, yet refusing to realize that the only one who initiates such a projection is neither Binah nor the mysterious Vampire – but he himself. This mechanism is one of the most fantastic creations of our Order, and it is only when the Aspirant has encountered it that he can grasp its horrific depth.
Therefore, what is the nature of this Vampire and the significance of this circumstance, why and to whom it happens, and whether it can be used for further progress; more to the point, is it what it looks it is or is it just a diversion game? In the end, whose monstrous game is this, and who initiates this phenomenon?
It is indeed challenging to judge objectively, given that the phenomenon is hardly objective at all, but what we can agree on is that it is a specific being that feeds on energy. And if we want to be effective, then we will find another specificity there. The ultimate motive is sexual in nature; it is an urge, but completely different from the urge of hunger, for example. It seems that the aspiration of the Probationer has subsequently flown into the vessel of dreadful Neophyte sexual currents and poured out in the form of a demon. It is as if the Angel himself had torn his wings out of his inability to present himself properly, and now, he is tearing up Neophyte’s soul. Like a drowning man who, by frenetic movements, begins to drown both himself and the one who is trying to save his life.
This phenomenon does not have its logical appearance, nor is it the resultant force now exerted in its logical direction on the being of the magician. However, one should know that although there might be a case with a Student who has not encountered such an event, it does not mean that the phenomenon is not behind the corner, waiting for an attack in its gravest form, different from everything we still know about this anomaly. All we can pass on are our attempts to frame our experiences, and yet each new one shatters our perception of generalization and sets new laws that can distort our rules to the level beyond recognition. Therefore, the Aspirant should look at all these observations broadly and in principle. In no way must he exclude or automatically accept them just because they are refracted through his life. We follow the path of scientific illuminism, but that does not mean that we gaze in any direction particularly. Despite so many meticulous experiments, we are still not sure that we are even moving anywhere.
This occurrence is not a rare one even in the Student’s Probation period, but a complete absence of all this is also quite possible. However, this absence seems to cause a similar problem later, and this phenomenon, like a tsunami, will grow as time goes on and reach Student’s secure harbors in their much crueler form. In the first case, it will hit him low but leave him standing on his feet. In the second case, the Aspirant will be left to build much more, and whatever he is allowed to do will be annihilated and devastated in such a cruel way. Loss is inevitable in any case, for it is the nature of every Aspirant to remain genuinely free of anything. The main question is how he will interpret such a phenomenon. Like forfeiture or profit? Is wasting time profit or loss for the one waiting. Is life a gift or a curse for a chained man? Like the grades themselves, each occurrence is nothing but a measuring instrument for something we just expect will happen over time – the same time that has kept striking upon us from the early days of the Neophyte and all the way to the boundaries of the Abyss. Every perceived idea is an illusion because it has been perceived, and we rely on the rules that can be swept away by the morning breeze. Have all, and you shall lose all. Have nothing, and you will not lose a thing. Like a children’s song, this is a warning but also a superb instruction.
We cannot but conclude that the Vampire is quite possibly an illusion, and we can dare to say that the Vampire illusion is equal to the illusion of the four great Princes of Evil – both are clues that always lead to the same perpetrator – the Angel. It can even be said that both phenomena are echoes of the same experience, just as the ultimate attainment constructs the Ego now, unconsciously attempting to convey the phenomenon of the Knowledge and Conversation, long before it can even grasp this concept. Therefore, the Vampire is nothing but the cry of a soul desperate to find a worthy rival. This is certainly something like Jacob wrestling with the Angel, while cunningly saying to himself, “How big I am to wrestle with an Angel,” at the same time being afraid and refusing to wrestle with any real and concrete opponent. It is a deception of the most insidious kind that deviates from the path, but it serves as the most powerful ballista if well placed.
We really cannot or should not try to understand the nature of the Vampire, nor should we make up any hideous sayings before understanding the true nature of sex. We would instead be wrapped with garlic exploring catacombs of fear than being naked in front of a beloved being. This paradox of shame is an equal manifestation of the Will – if only we could set the correct model of thought, so devilishly cunning – we do not need a victory in a battle but a triumph in war. If we really knew that every situation of shame and every fear is an equally valuable clue that always leads to the Pure Will, all of our teachings would completely lose its purpose. The Universe does not understand, nor is it intended for such a single operation of winning a battle but losing the war. The Aspirant will sooner or later find himself in the City of the Pyramids. As he falls, he will dare to rise. In just one leap, in the wake of the terrible storm of his fate, he shall leap over what seems to be impossible to do. How possible it is for children to jump over their own shadow and how interesting it is for parents to watch, once they have arranged the biggest pile of ice cream if children have mastered that sacred task, so much will the Aspirant be struck by a force that he has not been aware of until now – what this skipped shadow is for the children’s mind, that is the Vampire for the Neophyte. Both tasks are equally meaningless, but in no way can this disrupt the level of zest in this illusion. The Vampire’s arrival seems to be conditioned by certain minimal spices, most notably the magic mixture of fear, shame, sexuality, spiritual progress, and the desire for the Angel. When mixed up in our odious pot, all of this seems to be the favorite stew to lure the Vampire. And once he has come, he certainly has no plans to stay for just one meal.
The etymology and mythology of the phenomenon itself seem to bring nothing special for us, though the Neophyte may focus on the study of legends and stories – all of this may be a treacherous Vampire call. The Neophyte can never know to what extent and in what way his soul is destined to stand up to the task – therefore, each of his strategies fails. What we need, first of all, is to prepare ourselves to pass through such an event, not to avoid it. Because – this Phantom will definitely come. He is coming.
Some of this can be found in Liber Aleph vel CXI, epistle 100 – On Sirens:
“Concerning the Love of women, o my Son, it is written in “The Book of the Law” that all is Freedom, if it be done unto our Lady Nuit. Yet also there is this Consideration, that for every Parsifal there is a Kundry. Thou mayst eat a thousand Fruits of the Garden; but there is one Tree whose name for thee is Poison. In every great Initiation is an Ordeal, wherein appeareth a Siren or Vampire appointed to destroy the Candidate. I have myself witnessed the Blasting of not less than ten of my own Flowers, that I tended when I was Nemo, and that although I saw the Cankerworm, and knew it, and gave urgent Warning. How then consider deeply in thyself if I were rightly governed in this Action, according to the Tao. For we that are Magicians work without Fear or Haste, being omnipotent in Eternity, and each Star must go his Way; and who am I that should save this People? “Wilt thou smite me as thou smotest the Egyptian yesterday?” Yes, although mine were he Might to save these Ten, I reached not forth mine Arm against Iniquity, I spake and I was silent; and that which was appointed came to pass. As it is written, the Pregnant Goddess hath let down Her Burden upon the Earth.”
Whenever, wherever, and in whatever form it may turn up – the Neophyte must always remain sure that such a phenomenon of darkness is actually a hint to the path of light; but on the other hand, it is possible that it is a very horrific illusion – because a sick and unprepared soul will even project the entire idea in his life so it can live in the deception of progress. There is just one more perilous thing than the Vampire – the illusion of the Vampire, and, as in the case of one’s own stupidity, there is really no defense against it.
Generally speaking, there are only two paths in the development of Neophyte’s sexuality – this is by no means sexuality in the usual sense as it is the case in the biological development of a homo sapiens. There is an introverted path, where the Neophyte shuts himself off behind his individual work, the same place where the Vampire manifests, precisely in that part of life where the Neophyte has retreated – the life of the astral plane and lucid dreaming. It is there where the Vampire finds its perfect ground for manipulation, where perfidious sexuality is the ideal projection in something as easy to manage as a dream or lucid dreaming, which is so difficult and utterly important for a Neophyte to master. The second position is of an extrovert kind. Here, the Neophyte is the one who opens up and implements his social life in his magical work. That path is surely admirable; the Neophyte extends the definition of magick and the Will to something completely common, such as driving a car on the street or buying bread at a store. Here he expands his horizons of personal magick by looking for the holiest of beings of all pantheons in every corner of the Universe and consciously goes through all aspects of existence, accepting them as limbs of the body of God. The Neophyte deliberately calls on the Vampire to strike upon the place where he has already entrenched himself thoroughly – which, of course, the Vampire will not do so impatiently. In this case, the Vampire will do precisely the most seducing thing for the Neophyte – which is nothing but wait. The Neophyte will start thinking that he has even passed through the temptation and that he has introduced balance in his life and work so much that the phenomenon simply transcended its own existence and that the idea of the Vampire disappeared before his eyes as if with the first rays of sunrise. But alas, the truth cannot be further away. It is precisely with the opening of the Neophyte that the Vampire opens as well. The Vampire is the being of the shadow – not just any shadow – but the Aspirant’s shadow. He will cunningly wait for the Neophyte to strengthen and widen his horizons; he does it so openly for the Vampire. Growing with his subtle body, his head will indeed be in the heavens and his feet far on the Earth, but how large will the shadow be of such a huge structure? The Vampire has grown so much that it has led to a major eclipse. Growing toward the light, he covered the sun. He will become over-satisfied with his own growth; he will praise himself more than his own Self, and yes – he will undoubtedly be on the messianic path. He will start taking on this stinking role and entice all weak Aspirants into it by manipulation, aggression, and intellectualization. By reading and mechanically quoting written works, translating millions of valuable and unworthy authors, learning and fully knowing every inch of Therion’s life, he loses his own. So many books and letters made him forget the name and the letter of his own Angel.
The real question is, why is there anything so special in this temptation for the Vampire to act and leave his darkness? We can say with great certainty that these two paths in the development of Neophyte’s sexuality are difficult indeed, but far from being more difficult than his one year of Probation, and in both paths, it is the Aspirant who has control. In the first case, the Aspirant has control because the door is always closed; he lets nothing from the outside world into his stagnant hole of life. However, the second case has a trait of his own egomania – even if he had no control, he would be stubborn enough to falsely declare it as his own cunningness or even courage. He will insist on his special and unique holiness so much that even his own filth cannot deter him from such purity. We really cannot say whether the manifestation of the Vampire may belong to the same mechanism of the existence of our Order – in other words, whether it is equally part of the same Order and the phenomenon of the universal A∴A∴ that includes all the cogwheels of the Universe. Therefore, dissecting this phenomenon is not of particular importance to our progress. It seems that the personal progress of an Aspirant is the cause of this occurrence, which has now come off as a security alarm in our house informing us that there is an intruder. Indeed, for we are the only ones who expand beyond what is our circle of cognition, going further along that circle, and finally across it, out there, into the beautiful unknown. The Vampire does not attack us in our house; with his apparent horror, he just forces us out of that house, out of that circle, out of that nested confinement right there, far into the unknown, leading us into the darkness to spread the light further. The Neophyte does just that – working on himself too hard, staying within himself too much, and exploring his corners, he remains stuck to those corners too much. But beyond that, across the shore of these dark waters, there is a call from the Angel who only uses the Vampire to chase us beyond the zone of our Universe, telling us that there is no “our,” nor any “other” Universe. The Universe is just One.
Looking at Odysseus’ journey, we might notice another form of distraction, completely different from Calypso’s, which is also a form of the Vampire manipulation. At one point, it could have been so strong that it almost managed to deter Odysseus. These are sirens; these watery creatures astounding sailors with their singing – the A∴A∴ Aspirants traveling the great sea of Binah, with their howling preventing them from hearing the Word of the Æon – that one Magus will proclaim. This is an equally horrible temptation of Binah, once Aspirants dare to embark on this endless sea unprepared. But Odysseus found a way to resist the sirens, managing to not-listen (a sense of hearing is attributed to the Spirit) to false words of false prophets. He listened to “his own” holy words. The Word of his Angel and the Word of the Æon by which that word vibrates.
It seems that the Vampire is simply a failure of our thinking apparatus which, like an embarrassed mother when being told that they have caught her beloved smoking after school, replies: “Ah well it’s not him, it’s someone who looks like him because I know my son perfectly well and he doesn’t do such things.” This is an inability to say the only thing of any value at that moment of new experiences, and more importantly, painful experiences – “thank you.”
Finally, it is very important to note the very form of the Vampire, which can be completely wrong at first sight. One might assume that a female Neophyte is confronted by a male Vampire, in the same way as a male Aspirant would encounter a female Vampire. Let us start with the first question that breaks the whole concept: will a female Neophyte be faced by a Vampire embodied in a man? No, not at all.
The Master Therion was extremely accurate in stating that the Neophyte is nearly always tempted by a woman. It is clear that the Neophyte can be of any sex and sexual orientation. However, the Vampire itself is always a woman. Binah simply conditions its archetype toward a woman; a mother is always a mother, as an angel is an angel, and Pan is always just Pan. She is a whore and a lady and a virgin, a saint, an intellectual or a village housewife, a dragon, but always a mother. And her energy is always divine and sublime as much as a woman can be, in no way excluding the idea of aggression, on the contrary – in the Vampire case, this will be pronounced to the maximum. A female Vampire will bite a male Neophyte, and it is the only possible mechanism, with a million of its various details. A high-school sweetheart, or the one from your neighborhood, from work, or even the one of a more rigorous type – your mother’s best female friend, all of those are ideal mechanisms for the Vampire to take over. What is so identical in all cases is how a male Neophyte reacts – it is a complete loss of reason, dignity, honor, and even physical health could be ruined by the use of alcohol and all possible substances, as well as his good standing of an honorable member of the biological section, but that certainly should not bother us. What matters to us is what he will get. It is important to see how this will affect the strategy for the Great Work, and certainly, we must continuously think carefully about whether this is not part of that work, indispensable as experience, but not as ultimate stagnation. Simply, the Neophyte must let that energy through himself; he must touch himself with the Vampire; he must allow for her bite. And the moment he lets her do it, not because of his uncontrollable perversion or the sadistic imperative of control, but as a human – in an epic way and worthy of light that must shine upon every corner of the battlefield, pointing to all severed limbs and all spilled blood, only in this way will we know the folly of war and aggression. And only then, indulging in the bite of the Vampire, will we get a kiss of the Angel. And then, all of that will disappear, and all the torments and all rat-race period of life will suddenly end. We will find ourselves stunned by the wonderful energy that has led us so wildly – we will find ourselves a step away from that noble act – the Ritual of Passing through the Duat.
As far as a female Neophyte is concerned, she will by no means face this phenomenon in the form of a male Vampire. On the contrary, she will be the channel through which this terrible force will manifest itself, or more precisely, through the phenomenon of obsession. Suddenly, a female Neophyte will gain such high self-confidence once she has already given up hoping for a prince on a white horse. She will feel the power that overthrows kings and turns princes into daddy’s little whiners. A force that will flow so smoothly through her, enabling her to remain constantly awake during the night, and such an unquenchable desire to dominate, conquer, and suck up every form of life. Certainly, in the matter of the female Neophyte, the whole point of this experience is in the phenomenon of obsession, while in men, it is all in fatal attraction. The Vampire manifests itself within a woman, making her the channel of its horrifying archetype. At the same time, in a man, it strikes from the outside, upon an already existing feminine structure – which has only a physical shell. Both cases, though different entities, lead to the same source – Binah.
Both male and female Aspirants must understand that they are equally tempting in the eyes of their Great Mother and that she will do her best to keep her children in her kingdom of illusion. They really need to understand that the power of the Vampire is precisely to be a Phantom – and nothing more, but they should not believe that bringing in the light of their Selves can shatter that shadow. It is much more complex than a mere concept of light and shadow. This Phantom is utterly different from a Buddhist distraction; therefore, a Buddhist saying, “If you meet the Buddha on your path, kill him,” can be such a horrible and wrong piece of advice in this case. This is precisely what the Phantom wants – a relationship, even in the form of denial. Yet we are here to think in a completely different direction – that is, we will do everything to refuse him the relationship, at least in the way he expects to have it. Therefore, while sexual energy mutilates Aspirant’s enthusiasm, work distorts sexuality in the same way too; therefore, working on grade tasks is disastrous for every detour Binah creates; but it is equally disastrous if, in the exclusiveness of that work, we allow our restrained sexuality to find refuge in that island. But love is always a doing that elevates. It is the only possible thing when all other things have failed, and, in this case, everything will fail indeed. It is such a perfect weapon for defense from love is none. Pure love balanced with the Vampire dirt seems to be the only possible strategy that will further carry the Neophyte.
It seems possible that the Vampire is somewhat conditioned by the appearance of light while striking the Aspirant, that is, in the practical sense of the matter, as long as the Aspirant is in a grade which is under the influence of Binah. It would be wrong to say that this is limited to the Neophyte because the Great Mother controls her child even beyond the attainment of the Knowledge and Conversation. Although the cruelest form is found in the Neophyte times, it is somewhat difficult to assume that he is safe from the impact of this force once he has entered the grade of the Zelator. There is an additional and terrifying element in this mechanism, which tends to be an apocalyptic creation – that is, the Ritual of Passing Through the Duat, which so treacherously awaits him at the end of his Neophyte path. It is hardly possible to say at all that there is an end to any superior experiences in our Order; they only take a different form, even to the level of complete transcendence, but both the Angel and the Abyss have their lacqueys in almost all grades. Just because a full Knowledge and Conversation is realized at the level of Adeptus Minor, that does not mean that the same Conversation has not gone through some other Knowledge much earlier, as the same Angel has been present in every existing sense that the Aspirant has had since his birth. No Oath is limited by something like taking the next one. In fact, our whole life is just one single Oath, one single moment only. Everything that is experienced and everyone who is experiencing is always one and the same phenomenon, but we do postpone culmination in our Order to such an extent that it becomes genuinely unimportant, for the reason that we could be with the beloved Adonai for a moment longer, a day longer, the whole eternity longer. Let the Aspirant be free to think that the Vampire is only an aphrodisiac in the foreplay between him and Cosmos.
In the same way that the Veil of the Paroketh separates the elements from the spirit, so does the Abyss separate a child from their cosmic mother quite deftly. However, this child does not have typical and classical human characteristics, so how will the term of the cosmic mother be different from everything that our earthly mother means to us? Our ultimate inability to comprehend the Great Mother is exactly what creates the Vampire phenomenon as well as the complete confusion about the Abyss itself.
In this quiet and remote corner of human existence, we have raped this tiny space by a multitude of entities and deities who created Saturday night fever right out of that beautiful darkness. We lit the night of Pan with neon lights of fun, fireworks of achievement, which is an entirely different experience. By bringing in the multitude, we show an impotent willingness to understand “the one.” The Aspirant of our Order must, at all times, be aware that every separated consciousness is like the continent in the great eternal Ocean, and no matter how far the continents are, they are all part of the same land at the bottom. At the bottom of that Ocean lies the bond of all things, the ultimatum unity. Paradoxically, it is where things cease to be perceived, in that impersonal and eternal absence of light, down at the bottom.
All women are one woman. Those ideas are our illusions to realize that they are something much more straightforward than what we just want to see in them. The idea of the Scarlett Woman is far more woman than she is Scarlett, or of any other description. Our idea of Mother is something dearest and most beautiful, and often much closer to Babalon than Nuit is. How many of us were created in a passionate union, but also by totally unthinkable urges; how many of us were born of rape, coercion, how many of us were unwanted children, hated and cursed ones? How free are we to think about our father and mother’s intercourse? In that sacred act, we were conceived; it is the most sacred act besides our birth, yet we so rarely think about it. That very act is the beginning of our most marvelous mystery, our death, as we began to die the moment we were conceived. Let us think for a moment about all sexual acts that ignite the passion within ourselves and how completely absent it is when it comes to the sex of our parents. We do find this to be a deviation of opinion, while it is a perfectly sound and logical question. Are we a result of anything apart from love? What is the extent to which we look for the highest cosmic principles in entirely wrong places? Still, it does not mean that these principles will not echo back – on the contrary.
Every mother can be seen in the Cosmic Mother, and every Cosmic Mother is seen as the Scarlet Woman. Babalon gives birth to the body, while Nuit manifests the consciousness of “I” in that body. Both represent the same ultimate phenomenon diffused and separated through the prism of Ruach.
The Aspirant should always continually think that every relationship is merely a pale imitation of the authentic Tantra, which is the unity with the Angel. Even the relationship with the Superior has some of that imitation, and we must make sure to bring together any other relationship with that ultimate Oneness. As long as the Aspirant has this connection in his mind, any influence of Binah is insignificant. However, the Vampire shall strike the same mind, purging this sacred connection out of it in various ways, or else trying to dim its brilliance with other reflections reintroducing new elements of temptation into a self-inviting and ever-changing flow that moves our sublime soul up to its ultimate estuary.
Binah will certainly try to hold you, as Calypso did. The whole Universe will try to stop you as a good soldier responding to the orders of a great and ferocious mother. Your lower nature does not want anything for you; it does not seek illumination or anything to do with truth. Your lower nature wants you all for itself. Giving all for you, while taking all from you. It is often the case that Neophyte loses various aspects of his life while in this grade, starting with material things such as loss of employment, place of residence, financial problems, deterioration of health, troubling emotional relationships, but also miscarriages, as well as physical injuries are just some of the instruments employed by his Shadow. Yet, as long as the Aspirant finds discomfort in these words, he will be influenced by that same Shadow, for it is nothing but the highest grace when we realize that the Aspirant’s soul does not really have anything to lose as it has really nothing to have. Such a harsh lesson is just an inappropriate and awkward way his soul tells him: “But I love you.”
Knowing the difference between the Probationer and the Neophyte is not such an important guideline. It is important to find a relationship between both things; as much as the Neophyte is free from Probation, so much is Adept Exempt freeing from his Adeptiship. It can be said that the mechanism is quite similar and that the cause of both of these manifestations is the same Great Mother of Binah – similarly manifesting her labor pain. The relationship of the Neophyte and the Probationer is reflected in the same phenomenon, in the same way as it is with the calm blue sea of Chesed compared to the vast ocean of Binah; the same idea of water is at stake, but how frightening is the relationship between the sea and the Ocean, the turquoise blue sea and the blackness of the boundless Ocean.
The furthermost fright for Aspirants is the simple fact that Babalon is Nuit and that all the inability to understand this simple equation is the complete defeat of our understanding of the Great Mother. And if that is the problem, if we cannot know the Mother, how can we understand her child? How can we understand ourselves and our paths when we are not aware of where we came from or if we go anywhere at all. Our art is based on nebulosity and paradox, not mysteries. It is a paradox that we cannot understand. Babalon is only a form of Nuit, and there is nothing out or far from “her.” Because she contains every form and every manifestation, born or unborn, every possible or impossible potential – at dawn, she is a girl; at noon, she is the mother; at midnight, she is a whore. She has no name because she is nowhere; just like Pan is everything, she is nothing.
An Aspirant should never try to conceptualize the Abyss. It is not the experience, and it cannot be compared with anything cause the Abyss is not “something” in the usual meaning of that word. Quite contrary, it is not even an experience that could be described as a word. You cannot find the Abyss in the system because the idea of a system is opposite to the Abyss. It is not the question of what the Abyss “is” – the true question is what the Abyss is “not.” The true understanding of this would genuinely show such a supreme level of individuality and point out that one does not need any guidance at all.
Babalon wants your attention; Nuit desires your awareness. We always have to follow a holy principle that reads: The Brothers of A∴A∴ are Women; the Aspirants to A∴A∴ are Men. The attempt of the Vampire against this setting gives an entirely different type of holiness to its task.
We do indeed revise our attitudes according to all experiences, but to design a tale about the Vampire would be such a weak endeavor if we did not reconsider our attitudes about our sexuality beforehand. The Vampire finds stability precisely in our confused understanding of sexuality and our misunderstanding of sexual energy, the energy that gives him so much cruel strength and endurance in such a fantastic way. It is our confusion and, above all, our fear of engaging with sexual energy that gives the Vampire an advantage that an average Aspirant can hardly compensate for. Quite often, we limit ourselves to thinking that we lack that energy when we need it most.
But, this divine flow is always here, it has always been present in the same way, but we are the ones whose presence is not always the same. We will perceive our own absence as a fake accusation for the absence of energy. If we sleep the whole day, we might think that during these hours of our absence in our sleep, the whole world sleeps and is absent too. You cannot increase sexual energy. You can raise only the awareness toward that current inside your mind. The level of sexual energy is always the same.
Having sex or not.
Having a partner or not.
If you even have not had a single orgasm in your life, your energy level will be the same. It is up to you to find a way to channel it. People can make love with hundreds of godly tantric partners every day and still have nothing. On the other hand, you can masturbate and make love in your mind with your God.
Try now to find what that God is.
Is he a male?
Young? Old? Sweet? Angry? Childish, Wise?
What does he or she look like?
Is God an animal, maybe?
Maybe a sound?
He is maybe color and not a being at all?
Go and search each day, adding one new thing which is a part of your God. You will build yourself an ideal lover, an ideal personal God which you will have all the monopoly on, and which will have all the monopoly upon you. Then, when you have constructed him, when you have made this sacred sensual anatomy of your God, start playing with him.
Go fuck with some ugly woman or a guy.
Go fuck with some boy from your childhood.
Go to a completely different town and fuck some very old man or woman.
Go have a threesome, buy a teddy bear and ride him a whole day if you dare.
Play with Lego and your genitalia; try to have an orgasm on the train without hiding.
Call your boss with your number hidden and let him hear you come.
Masturbate, play not with your body but with your mind. Masturbate your mind, let the Universe arouse you in its own way. Your soul is the sexual object of the entire Universe. Let the whole Universe arouse itself with your thinking about the same Universe. Your whole Ego is just an echo of the orgasm of the Universe. But always and constantly try to float on that wind of change which takes you away, away from the shores of ordinary and repetition. Push to the extremes, but always, with everyone and everything, fuck with your God. See where this energy will take you. In this way, your water will not be stagnant like the sea. Let it become a river, wild, fast, and furious – one giant infinite living water of change which will drag your destiny like a little barge on an ocean. Then lose yourself in that open vastness. Yea, in that open vastness.