Parts of heaven

There are usually three periods of Probation, such as a standard school composition, that has an introduction, elaboration, and conclusion. However, although true works of art are not subject to generalization, some common indications can be noticed. The first period is framed by happiness and pure joy. Enthusiasm flows into the being of the Probationer, everything is so magical and peaceful, full of divine beauty and all what is being done is done with ease. Progress is visible daily, and the Angel almost knocks on the door. Depending on the eagerness of the Probationer, the brilliance of his mind and his pre-destination in our art, the time comes when the dark clouds will conceal him. The negative transfer starts to rise, and he will begin to doubt himself, his work and his Superior. Precisely from this tendency to deny the Superior, he sees and feels within him what he sees and feels for himself, he sees in him the source of all suffering and all the evil of this world. The Superior becomes guilty for bad practices that are getting more boring and unsound with each new day. He is guilty of poor understanding of mysteries; his relationship becomes a reflection of the Superior’s complex of lower value. “He is so insolent and rude, always harassing me, I am so alone and poor. Where is my Angel, why did he even assign this lunatic to be my teacher? Just what does he look like when he got projected in such a moral gnome I call the Superior? The Superior? How stupid it sounds to call someone who is not worth to even say hello in the street. The Superior? Well, he is surely not the Superior, he could only be Inferior. How many years he is in the Order, yet his Grade is so low. Well, if I’ve been on the path for so long, I would be at least Adeptus Minor. I will call him tomorrow and tell him everything straight; I will not bypass this, he will get everything directly in his face, I will shoot it right into the center!”

It can be said that if this second period did not come, there was, in fact, no real Probation. Certainly, this does not mean that the Probationer shall not pass validly, of course. On the other hand, we can assume that the complete misery of this period merely changes the form of manifestation and that all other forms are in fact variation of only one process which is: loss of self-confidence. There are only three main positions of the Aspirant which differ from the type of his basic neurosis. At this point, we can widely accept the fact that psycho-analysis is one of the essential tools in the hands of every Aspirant, and especially for the Probationer. The first position is the basic one, and in my opinion, it is the mother of all causes, which is fear. The second position is sadness, while the third is anger or hate. But we indeed realize that each of these positions is the same in complexity and equally natural reaction of our being to something so sublime as opening the door of paradise. All three positions are similarly useful weapons of the Ego, whom the Aspirant primarily perceives as an enemy, not because he is, but because we are deeply cursed, in this ongoing and fictive war against ourselves; miserable war, without light, without love. The enemy, therefore, knows how to withdraw, to hide, to conspire, to plot, all of the deceptions that will give us an excuse for self-preservation in our own defense mechanism. Yet not against the enemy, but in front of oneself. Therefore, the Aspirant will progress further in hatred, sadness, and fear, while the primary position cannot be assumed in advance. Even if by any chance it could be assumed, I would personally never recommend it as it would, even more, empower defense mechanism. In that second period of Probation, once the Aspirant seizes the position that, in fact, is a spin of his Ego, one of the two leading roles takes over. It is an introvert or an extrovert role, that is, depressive or militant. From the study of earlier cases, we have come to an interesting observation that militant roles are much more difficult to overcome during Probation period than depressive ones, although at first glance we may assume the opposite. It seems that this militant, warlike role is predisposed to an explosion in those more desperate and lonely minds; this role appears to be so liberating on the psyche of the Aspirant, even to liberate him from his own aspiration. And finally, instead of finding himself firmly on the ground of Malkuth as a realized Neophyte, he now wanders forever as a fierce fighter for human rights, making a bulletproof armor around him.

Frater 273∴